healing pt 1

anorexic bitch. dirty whore. lying cunt. ugly. spitting words in my face your hate for me was more than evident. mama you sat back and watched her beat me into the ground. your love for her meant more to you than i ever did. it got so bad that i told myself you died. this person standing in front of me i could not look in the eye. you left me. you failed me time and time again. and in the end i am your only true friend. you see throughout everything you put me through i could never turn my back on you. when she put her hands on you her life was in my hands. i would have killed her before i let her hurt you, like you let her hurt me. you see the abuse she put me through went straight to my core. being raped ongoing for 7 years had already damaged my soul then she comes along to finish me off. anorexic yes i was. it was my last attempt for you to rescue me. and still you didnt see me. it was all about you and a child you remain so how could i expect you to raise me to be anything. i am your parent coaching you through your days. you failed me mother for letting her call me names. she murdered my spirit. what little i had left. i was just her slave and you were too blind to see that in my world there was only me. surrounded by people and still alone because i could never tell what happened at home. crying out for help was useless because i didnt matter. everyone sat back and watched as pieces of me shattered. i am grown now mommy and i ran away from you. i cant continue to look you in the face knowing i wasnt worth your protection. no love nor money nor anything in this world would keep me from fighting for you but fighting for me never crossed your mind. all i ever wanted was for you to love me unconditionally. now that you see how fucked up you treated me you want to fix it. in my heart i know i have forgiven you but i cannot forget it. you failed me when all i had was you. neither of my parents wanted me. what do you think that does to me... i sit here today with a tender heart. all i have ever wanted was for someone to love me unconditionally. i told you as a child that love wasnt for me. you told me you loved me but your actions spoke louder than your words. god is the only one that loves me and there have been times that i question that. love isnt supposed to be pain all of the time. so why has it been in this life of mine.

©soulbird