looking back

looking back something tells me you knew
all my life i held you on a pedistal
protecting you from my truth
never wanting you to look in the mirror
and feel like a failure
denial is a terrible thing
there are answers i need now
do you not remember what i remember
you were there too
i just dont understand how you didnt notice
how can you forget?
the pain is still embedded in me
if you didnt want me then you should have given me away
not dump me off on one doorstep or the next
being on those doorsteps so long mommy
made me into a doormat
getting trampled and scarred
you medicated my wounds and never asked me how they got there
did you ever care about me?
never once did you hold me after a nightmare
or come to ask why i cried myself to sleep
you ignored my cries for help
turning a deaf ear because you didnt want to deal with it
you were the only person that mattered to you
when did you realize i wasnt a replacement for the one you lost?
when did i become enough for you to love by just being me?
has that day come, will it ever?
i have lived my life with secrets and lies
you lied to me for years and i lied to myself also
although you have never wondered about what my life was like
i wonder how you didnt see it for yourself
i think you always knew
you all knew... had to have known
but you let it happen anyway
i wasnt worth your protection
or love
i am just the unborn fetus, reincarnated
never what you wanted but what you got stuck with

©SOULBIRD